What Women Want In Bed

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1. TAKING CHARGE
Oh, there will be some women who feel that
you are pushy. If you are making out with a
woman, and she starts to push back, ask
nicely if things are moving too fast.
If she says yes, say something like “I’m
sorry – you just look so fucking delicious.
I’ll go slower.” Otherwise, skillfully move
forward.
If you start kissing a woman, and she
responds well, and before long, you’re both
on the floor with her skirt pushed up, and
you on top of her, it’s not the time to roll
onto your back and start awkwardly
stroking the top of her head.
Seriously, grow a goddamn pair. YOU’RE
the man. Act like one.
2. CLIT PLAY
It’s different for every woman, so ask what
she likes. Do not, I repeat, do not just wiggle
your fingers around her pussy like you’re
trying to tickle her.
Do not drum your fingertips against her
vulva like you are impatiently waiting at
the Sears Tire Center for your receipt. Do
not push the clit like it is a doorbell at some
house that you need to get inside of.
Start by using all four fingers with firm yet
gentle pressure against the outside of her
pussy. Do not charge in with a single finger
and start jabbing at things.
And if you really don’t know what to do,
ask her. Just ask. “How do you like it?”.
It’s a simple question, and most women will
answer straight out. If she’s being all coy,
ask “Do you like pressure? Is it sensitive?”
The clitoris is a varied item, indeed.
Treat each one as though you have never
encountered one before. Forget everything
that your last partner liked.
3. A GOOD FUCK
Yes, there are women out there who want to
“make love” every time – sweet, gentle,
rocking love with lots of eye contact and
loving kisses.
Those women are not the majority.
The majority like to be pounded. The
majority like to have their hair pulled.
The majority like a good, solid
jackhammering.
When a woman is bucking wildly against
you, it’s not because she wants you to pull
back and slowly swirl your cock around her
vagina like you’re mixing a cake batter up
there.
It’s because she wants you to hold down her
arms, or grab her hips, or push her legs
above her head, and fuck her harder.
Don’t be too afraid of what this means as
far as gender equality goes – I am a raging
feminist bitch, but I still want to be
penetrated like you are planning on fucking
my throat from the inside out.
4. A LITTLE ROUGHNESS
Do not pretend that you had no idea that
some women like their hair pulled. Do not
act shocked if she wants you to spank her
(“Really? Spanking? Won’t it hurt?” – yes,
it does. That’s the fucking point).
We know you’ve read Stuff and Maxim, and
that’s all those laddie mags talk about in
their “How to Please Her” sections. Start
with light, full handed smacks to the area
of her ass that she sits on.
Judge her response and continue on from
there.
You don’t have to bend her over one knee
and tell her she’s a naughty girl and that
Daddy’s going to punish her; save that for
the fifth date.
Women are less delicate than you think, so
don’t worry about breaking her hip.
If you’re not strong enough to leave a mark,
do something about it. Get to the gym and
lift skinny boy.
5. MAKE SOME NOISE!!!
Otherwise, they feel like they are fucking a
ninja. Unless you actually are a ninja, and
have sneaked into. their rooms with vibrating
nanuchaku and zippered black pajamas,
please, please make some noise.
If you’re banging a woman, and she’s
crying out and saying your name and
moaning, and you can’t even manage a
grunt, she’s going to feel like an idiot.
You don’t have to make the sounds she is
making, but do SOMETHING. You know how
when you are watching porn, and the girl
does something great to the guy and the guy
kind of goes “Ah!”, half grunt, half yell?
That’s HOT. Do that. Whisper our name
(assuming you know it) gruffly. Groan
against her neck when you’re in missionary
position.
You don’t have to grunt like a mountain
gorilla, but if you are totally mute, she’s
going to get worried.
6. TALK DIRTY
If you’d like to get some dirty talk going, ask
her if she likes the way you fuck her. If she
responds well, continue with something
like, “I love fucking you. God, you look so
fucking hot.”
Is she still moaning in response? “Your tits
are so beautiful.” Does that work? If she
doesn’t respond well to the term “tits”, you
might have to stop there.
If she keep moaning or responding, pass
Go and collect $200. Try the following:
“Oh, god. Your pussy is SO tight.”
“You’re so wet – are you wet because you
like the feel of my cock ramming you?”
“I think I’m going to come inside you. I’m
going to fill up your little cunt.” (It doesn’t
matter that you’re wearing a condom; we
LOVE hearing this.)
If all of those work, you can then progress
to things like “sexy little bitch” and “dirty
whore”. Tread carefully, but please, tread.
Do not tiptoe. Do not sit down. Charge.
7. YOU AINT OBLIGATED TO EATING HER
In return, she’s not obligated to choke on
your dick. Don’t skip one and expect the
other.
If you do eat a woman out, the only
comment you should make about her pussy
is how nice it is.
The length of her labia minora, the color of
her interior, her waxing job or full bush –
you are not John Madden. No time for color
commentary.
8. DONT BITCH ABOUT CONDOMS
Oh, they hate them. Trust me. They hurt them
more than they hurt you. But they don’t
want to be preggers, and you don’t want to
catch anything, right?
Don’t whine about condom sex.
Do not explain that you can’t come with
one on. LEARN to come with one on, or if
not, help us figure out what to do with you
once we’re satisfied and it’s time for you to
let loose your load

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