KENYA NATIONAL RALLY CHAMPIONSHIP STANDINGS
As Per Round 5:
1.Baldev Chager 360
2.Ian Duncan 220
3.Carl Tundo 200
4.Azar Anwar 210
5.Quentin Mitchell 165
1.Ravi Soni 360
2.Amaar Slatch 220
3.Julius Ngigi 210
4.Tim Jessop 200
5.Robin Dimbleby 165
1. Dennis Mwenda 320
2. Dalbir Thethy 210
3. Adnan Suheil 160
4. Joan Nesbitt 125
5. Sammy Nyorri 110
1. Edward Njoroge 320
2. Julius Mwachuya 210
3. Salim Khan 160
4. Tamara Jones 125
5. Steven Nyorri 110
CLASSIC CAR CUP
1. Hardev S. Sira 315
2. Aslam Khan 230
3. Malcom Destro 220
4. Ramesh Vishram 200
5. Iain Freestone 80
1.Jasneil S. Ghataure 245
2.Simon Bates 200
3.Atul Kochhar 190
4.Tim Challen 160
5.Arshad Khan 120
KNRC DIV 2
1. Frank Tundo 275
2. Jaspreet Chatthe 240
3. Don Smith 165
4. Manveer Baryan 150
5. Onkar Rai 100
1. Natasha Decangio 280
2. Gurdeep Panesar 240
3. Bob Kaugi190
4. Raju Chagger 110
5. Kavit Dave100
KNRC DIV 3
1. Jasmeet Chana 290
2. Rajbir Rai 210
3. Tejvir Rai 205
4. Issa Amwari 195
5. Farhaaz Khan 165
1. Rohit Bhudia 290
2. Supee Soin 210
3. Job Njiru 195
4. George Njoroge 154
5. Tariq Malik 136
1. Alisdair Keith 260
2. Jaswinder Chana260
3. Alex Horsey 220
4. Mahesh Halai 210
5. Stanley Thuo 165
1. Ravi Chana 260
2. Tariq Malik 260
3. Ketan Halai 210
4. Mwangi Waithaka135
5. James Mwangi 125
1. Study the Kama Sutra
~“There is a technique mentioned in the Kama Sutra for delaying ejaculations that basically comes down to training yourself to last longer,” says Harper. She instructs men to start slowly—with no more than one“in/out” stroke every three seconds.“He should then build more strokes slowly over the course of 4 or 5 minutes, until he is moving one stroke per second.” If the man starts to feel like he is going to come, he should stop and“hold himself inside his partner until he feels in control again. Then he begins the whole process again.”
2.Get Out of Your Head.
~“Performance anxiety is the number one killer of sustaining an erection,” says sex coach Dr. Patti Britton, a board-certified Clinical Sexologist.“Shift your thinking to a more confident inner voice, as opposed to a worried voice.” Britton explains that a“self-debilitating mindset” is what shuts guys down.“When you begin to feel anxiety, the strategy is to stop, take a breath, and then focus on how things feel in the body. Stay out of your head and get into your body—focus on the feelings that your body is producing for you.”
3. Change things up. ~The best thing to do if you’re getting close to the edge? Alter your speed, advises human sexuality expertCatherine Toyooka, the founder of Catherine Coaches sex workshops.“Try teasing her. Take your penis out and rub just the head of it sensually up and down and between her labia. Vaginas have lots of nerve endings clustered in the lower portion of their vaginal canal, so this move will still be very enjoyable for her to experience.”
~“Instead of the fast-paced jack-hammering style that many men are so fond of, try taking your time,” says Toyooka. Sex at a slower pace leads to a more connected experience for both people.“It’s more sensual because you are caressing and exploring the rest of her body. Kiss her neck, nuzzle her ear, let your hands gently explore her body,” she says. The most important thing to keep in mind that will help you last longer? Enjoy the journey that leads to your destination.
5. Try a different kind of exercise.
~Dr. Britton suggests exercising the PC muscles (or pubococcygeus muscle, if we’re being technical). They’re the ones that stretch from the anus to the urinary sphincter. To figure out how to squeeze and contract the PC muscles, try stopping your urine flow while you’re in the middle of peeing. You’ll know it when you try it. Three sets of 15 reps per day should do the trick. “Daily PC muscle reps help a guy to literally pump himself up. Squeezing those muscles triggers good blood flow to the penis, which in turn leads to mental confidence,” she says.
6. Practice the 7 and 9 method.
~Similar to the Kama Sutra method (mentioned in no. 1, above), Harper recommends her favorite— the 7 and 9 technique.“It’s 7 fast in/out strokes, followed by 9 slow in/out strokes. Then repeat: 7 fast, 9 slow, 7 fast, 9 slow,” she says.“This rhythm is good for guys who don’t last quite as long as their partner needs, and good for the ladies as it establishes a good rhythm for her stimulation too.
~The first time i met you my stomach was lifted into my throat by one million butterflies & i nearly lost my shit. you caught me joking about what i would do to you if i got you alone & you laughed. i caught you watching me & laughed as well. that smile, i want to suck the enamel off your teeth some late night as we watch the city come alive. i want to watch the sunrise from balconies with you after a night spent discussing politics. i want to get under your skin. i want to listen & absorb your idea’s/ideals. i want to study the geography of your body. i want to start a revolution with you. i want to write secret notes on your back as you sleep next to me. but what i really want is to tell you that regardless of everything, i love you. even if you never love me back… i love you. i hope that when you’re laying in bed after a night spent in some distant state or country, watching terrible tv, that you don’t feel alone. i love you.
~The first time i met you your nervous laugh made me nervous. you made me feel as though there was nothing i could say that could articulate the waves in my stomach. i was taken back by your smile & the words you spoke. you’re beautiful & it radiates from inside you. i love you & i hope i get the chance to tell you.
~Right now, you are working on your stage movement sonnet and all i wanna do is be right there with you, encouraging you and letting you know what really is inside my heart. right now, i am inside this laundry room, listening to your frustrated voice. while i don’t perse love you in a total romantic way, i care deeply about you and i do have romantic feelings. you have become one of my best friends, and this is why you don’t even know yet.
i wish that you felt the same way too. but until that day comes, i will suffer willingly and whole heartedly. just for you.
~I sometimes write poems, and when i read them later, i realize they were about you. i sometimes look at the sky, and when i feel happy seeing a flock of geese or a bright red cardinal, i think of the elation and power and happiness you bring to me. i sometimes do the craziest shit, but i always wish you were there to see. i sometimes lie down in the river behind school in the spring, and while my blood cools under the pulsating light through the trees, in a place where wind has more force and penetration, i allow your being to enter my mind, and i let it seep out into the river. it travels through the water and towards the banks, and it is now embedded in trees and grass and flowers.
you will always interest me, and therefore i will always love you. i will watch you button your shirt slowly and carefully, and that will be enough. i will see you smile when i tell a joke or say something stupid and that will be enough. i will hear you groan over some sort of unfortunate circumstance and hearing the sound of you while being invited to share in your passing annoyance, and that will be more than enough. you are everything interesting and exciting in the world. you make experiencing anything worthwhile and enjoyable. as long as you’re around, everything is right, and nothing bothers me.
i forget everything when you come into my mind.
~The night after we first spoke, i went outside and wished on the brightest star that all my happiness could be given to you so that you could feel better. i know you think wishing on stars is cliched and naive. but that’s me. in fact, i am so naive that i like to imagine that you still think about me now, three years later. i like to think that you sometimes wonder about me, sometimes wish you could tell me secrets and tell me jokes like you used to.
but even if you don’t, even if i was nothing but a blip on the grand radar of your beautiful life, that’s okay. you taught me more about myself than any other person, and in return i can only hope that you know how much i will always love you. i wish, still, after all this time, that you’re the happiest person on the planet. i wish for you love, joy and hope. not because you gave me those things. but because you taught me how to find them in myself. i will never forget you.
~i am writing to you to let you know, i have loved you for a very long time.
~I want to move in with you. Because I feel sad when I’m not with you. I can’t sleep soundly when I’m not with you. I woke up the other morning and my shoulders were aching because you weren’t there to hold them straight with your arms around me. I don’t think you want me to live with you though. You don’t think we’ll have sex as often as we do, you think I’ll get bored of you, you think I’ll want you to entertain me all the time. But I wont. I want to be in the room next door to you and tap Morse Code against our wall when I can’t sleep. I want to slip long lover letters under your door. I want to make you coffee in the morning. I want to give you your mail and I want you to come to the shops with me every day to buy groceries. It’s not that I’m scared of being alone, or scared of being out of love. I’m just scared of not being with you, however that may be.
~One night I dreamt about you. Shyly you looked me in the eyes and asked, “How do you know?” Taking one long breath I began to explain that things are just different with you. I have never in my entire life had these feelings before. It is a feeling of being scared and excited, with a bit of pleasure mixed in.
Some dreams do come true, though, as you must know. For me, this dream I speak of is true. When I see you my body trembles with joy and my heart beats wildly in my chest. I’m always surprised to find out that no one around me can hear my heart beating so loudly. Not wanting to say the wrong words to you, I sometimes just sit back and observe you. Like the way your eyes literally shine, how your nose adorably moves when you say certain words, or how kind and loving you are to those you care for. You make me want to be a better person; to do what is best for myself. But in all honesty, you are what is best for me. When I am around you, my true self comes out and it makes me feel great to know that I am able to be the real me when you are around. On August 8th I started to write about you. Sure, I wrote poems of love. But embarrassingly enough, I mainly wrote down special little things you would say and facts about yourself that you would reveal to me. I do this because you are someone that is so extremely special to me that I never want to forget these things about you. That’s how much you mean to me. There is so much I could write down of how much I feel for you. But I am afraid that I do not have the time, the paper, nor the writing ink to do so…because there is so much! Maybe you do not even need me to write it all down. You have a way of knowing what I feel anyways. But know this– you are the hope and the future I have always dreamt of and need. I want you to stay with me forever. To laugh, cry, create, love and live with me for the rest of my life. For the first time in my life I can say that I truly know myself and I know that I love you, James. I will always love you, forever.
~everytime i see you walking in a crowd of people, i don’t see anyone else but you – even if what you’re wearing that day is a very ugly shirt. even if i pass by and pretend to be too stoned to notice you, i really am very happy to see you. my friends say that you’re really no good for me at all, but there’s something about you that makes me all strange and giddy inside. i lay in the grass at midnight and think about how you made a complete humiliation of yourself in front of everyone last year. or, i think about all those times that you were a complete idiot, and the fact that even when you try your hardest, you let me down sometimes. i think about all these things and smile. you are a human, and i love the fact that you make me feel infinite..
~my love letter stopped being a love letter the night that i fell in love with another man, who loves me more and better than you ever could.but you still deserve to know that when i said i loved you, i meant it. i loved your dark eyes and your long fingers and your snowy hair. i loved the way the roads were silent all around us when we walked together in the middle of the night when it snowed. i loved the way your eyes sparked beneath the streetlamps in the wintertime.i know you are confused, and lonely, and you don’t know quite what you want in life, and it’s why you ran away from me, and probably why you left the woman you left me for. i hope that someday you can find the kind of happiness i have found with my new love – the warm, sun-filled joy of holding hands and butterfly kisses. i loved you, and even though i don’t anymore, i hope that someday you find someone else who wants you to be as happy as i did. i hope that next time, you let them give you everything
~I would be a coward and a liar if I said that I didn’t love you. Love is a frightening thing; it entails laying your heart on a cutting board, handing someone a knife, yet trusting that they won’t use it. Giving my love to you means giving you the power to hurt me more than anyone can or has ever had the ability to. It is then expected – no, required – that if you accept this love of mine, you understand these things. You must summon the courage to assume the responsibility of the precious gift you now hold. But somehow it seems incorrect to call my love a gift – you have earned every loving thought, every kind word, every caring gesture. ‘Giving’ love to you implies that you don’t deserve it, and that couldn’t be further from the truth. Love is the most valuable thing I have in this world and I wouldn’t just give it away.
~This love I have for you – it’s hard to describe, yet easy to feel. It’s difficult to convey save for the actions of every day life. I don’t know how to tell you that I love you without making you uncomfortable or scaring you away. I suppose saying it isn’t really necessary, since giving the condition a name doesn’t change its qualities…however, I can’t help but feel there’s something to say about the inability to say it at all. I understand that receiving love, and loving someone in return, is terrifying. You’re not the sort to make yourself vulnerable and neither am I. Love makes you weak in a way, I guess you could say…but more importantly, it makes you strong. This is just one of the reasons that I love love, and love loving you in particular.
You seem to want a definition…yet I don’t have one. I will never have one. Love, at least to me, includes so many things that I don’t even know where or how to begin. Yet if you can’t just trust that you love someone – that you think of them more fondly than others in a peculiar way; admire them for the things that make them who they are and respect them for these very same attributes – then maybe you will never be able to love. Love is and will always be a leap of faith. Just like in life, there is no sure thing in love. You just have to trust. There is no answer – you just know. Yet there’s no way to ‘know’, especially if you pick it apart. Eventually love will be destroyed by all the prodding, analyzing and dissection.
If there is any way to ‘know’ love – any sort of way to describe or define it – this is highly subjective. Love, at least to me, is selfless yet completely selfish. I love you for who you are and would do most anything for you if you needed me to. This selfless love is something quite gradual that grows as I get to know you better and catch glimpses of your innate, immutable qualities – your kindness, your integrity, your character. While human beings are continuously mutating creatures, I do believe that there are things in us that are tested by life and time, yet do not change. This is the foundation of a human being, maybe it’s the soul, I don’t know – but these are the very things that I see in you every day. I can’t help but love this man who exhibits many of the qualities that I admire, and also hope to possess. Selfless love leads to selfish love. I also love you for my own sake – for how you improve my life by driving me to be kinder and more understanding; changing the way I see myself and the world; making me question and even strengthen my beliefs and values. Yet it’s also just as simple as the fact that you make me feel wonderful and help me enjoy life just a little more than I would without you.
I want to know what you think about love. I admit, I don’t understand why you shy away from love the way you do. I can’t help but think that the more one stresses over ‘knowing’ what love is, the more likely he will be to let it slip by. There is no way to ‘know’ other than by the standards you, and you alone, create for yourself. As I’ve already said, it’s a scary thing, but it is so worth the risk. And if you think of love, and if you think of possibly loving me – I hope you realize that there isn’t much risk involved. If you haven’t already then I haven’t been doing a very good job of being your girlfriend this year and your friend of nearly a decade more.
I am sorry for bringing up something that obviously makes you uncomfortable, but I hope you can understand the position that I am in. I am nearly 23 years old, about to graduate from college, and am completely in love with a man that I am not sure loves me in return, or even wants my love at all. Please don’t be mistaken – this is not an ultimatum, and my feelings for you won’t go away. I just want you to think about love. And possibly loving me. Or at least raising the issue of why you don’t love me, or why you are wary of love.
~I truly believe that life is too short to let fly by without telling the important people in your life how you feel. That, in effect, is why I wrote this letter. I just hope that one day I have the courage to give it to you.
~I remember the first day I met you.
The sparkle in your eyes was equivalent to a million stars.
You waved at me during football games.
Sometimes I’d catch you loking at me in that way…
When I see you do that, I feel like gravity has just lifted me to an extreeme high and I’m floating in space.
I still have doubts that you like me, it hurts so badly, I know that you can ease the pain.
Sometimes I feel like I could kill all of those fatass butterflies…its just like I’m filled with anger at the thought of me liking you and you not liking me back. Yeah, it sounds so middle school, but it’s reall life.
and everytime i feel sad or angry or something. You read me like a book and I feel like I can talk to you about anything….
And then I remember the first day I met you.
That was the day you invited me to sit net to you.
We shared secrets. We shared body heat.
Even if you dont like me, I’ll always remember how your eyes sparkle like a million stars.
I love you.
~The worst and best part about having broken up with you is that I still love you. I still absolutely adore you.
it is wonderful because there is nothing as beautiful as being in love. even though you are literally on the opposite coast, even though we only speak every few weeks, even though our Facebook statuses have read “single” for the past five months, nothing has waned my love. you, you will always be beautiful to me. maybe someday I will fall out of love with you. maybe this love will turn to a one that hungers only for friendship. maybe someday I will meet your spirit again, this time without the whole college-moving-away deal. maybe this time we can be near each other. maybe this time, so many things that didn’t will fall into place.
it is terrible because everything I know you are tired, hurting, or just plain grumpy, I want to be the one who soothes your pain. and when you’re happy, I want to share in your happiness. and I know that we are supposed to move on, but I can’t. because I Love You.
I hope that one day, we will be able to be as close as we were before you left. I hope that, at the very least, we can be best friends again.
I miss you.
“stream of consciousness”
I love you.
~There, I said it.
I’ve said it to you twice before. And I want to say it to you every single time I talk to you.
You told me once, when we were fighting at REI. I was so taken aback and you were too.
I haven’t seen you in almost three months. Oh, how I cried myself to sleep for weeks when you first left. But I will see you in two weeks and I’m scared.
I’m scared because everything in the world tells me that I shouldn’t love you. Friends, family, circumstance, my gut. But I love you. More than I ever thought possible. I didn’t know men like you really existed out there.
You’ve changed my life.
But I understand that just because I love with you all that I am, doesn’t mean that we should be together again once you return. Our lives are so different right now and will continue to be on different paths indefinitely.
So when I see you, I’m going to recklessly love you and forget about everything. For a moment, the world is going to be you and me. No one else. I will push my hurt, distrust and insecurities aside for a brief moment in time.
And just lovelovelove you.
i’ve been searching for words these past few days but when i open my mouth all that comes out are animal noises. cries of sadness, anger, everything. i don’t know how to be sad & right now i’m not strong enough to pretend. i remember the first time i saw you. walking down main street with your long hair & your white tee shirt. you looked so tough. you made my heart pump pump pump. you never stopped making my heart pump pump pump. nine long years. you had a way about you that i’ve never seen. you had power, passion, coursing through your veins. i could see it in your eyes, read it in your words, hear it in your voice. you were the type of person no one could forget, even if they wanted. you were the type of person who could smile & everything would be okay. you made the world a better place. everything that has flashed in my mind these long few days doesn’t translate into words. it’s just imagines, memories, songs. everything reminds me of you. honestly, knowing you had a big part in shaping the person i am today. i think a lot of people can say that. it all happened so soon. so abruptly. it’s as if your heart was too much for your little body to hold. it’s almost as if you were too much for this world. i miss you. i don’t want to say goodbye & i almost feel like I won’t have to. you’ve left part of yourself in everything you’ve ever done, so we won’t ever really have to say goodbye.
i love you. forever & always.
~all these years, i have never stopped thinking about you. you are always in the back of my mind. even if you didn’t feel the same, i know that i loved you. i know that i love you, still. you know how everyone always say that your first love never fades? it’s true. i will always wish to be with you, no matter what happens. i can’t erase my memories of you, even if i wanted. it makes me sad thinking about you but happy also. i love you. i’ve wanted to tell you that for a long time…i love you i love you i love you. why did i give up?
~There are no words that can really express what I feel about you. The first time I met you I didn’t even have one second to wonder. I saw you, and your eyes, the eyes that made me fall faster and harder then I ever have in my life, took me in and swept me away. I was hopeless before you even knew my name. After that day, the day that I didnt say anything to you but felt like i had told you my life story if only you were alert enough to listen. every other guy turned to nothing more than smoke. i saw no more of them and i never have. that day i had a test the period after i saw you and i never answered one question. i barely realized i had the test, when i had been studying for days. when i think about you i stop what im doing and my heart speeds up and i start trembling and i cant form coherent sentances. i try my hardest but you drew me in. whenever we fight or get mad or anything i am ready to do anything to fix it. when im not by your side and im alone in my bed i think about you and my heart aches because i just want to hold you close and protect you and have you protect me because thats all that matters that we’re still together and nothing can tear us apart. i dont know how to make you believe that i love you. the only thing that i most want is for you to know that i will always love you. i want to be a part of your life for now and forever. thats a big promise to make when were this age, but its true. there is no possible way for me to justify this unless you get inside me and feel what i feel for you. when i see you i could stare at your face for ages and not blink. i try to sometimes, but i always break away when you catch me looking and give me that funny little look with only one dimple, my special smile. i could spend days just learning what you like and what you dont just to commit it to memory so i wont ever have to second guess myself when i do something for you. i love you. you have changed my life completely and utterly. i dont want to ever leave. you ar e the only one that i could never leave. i would do anything to make you feel better. i know youre scared because thats a big chip on your shoulder to make sure im okay but you dont have to worry about a thing because as long as youre happy and im the one making you happy it will be okay. dont be hard on yourself i love you for you. i love you like no one could love anyone else. i want to be the person you confide in, your lover, your friend, your protector, your protected, your girl, your baby, yours. i want you to be mine i want to have a claim to you that no one else can ever have because youre mine. i love you. i want to be with you more than i could ever want anybody or anything else. i want you. i love you. please…love me back, and never let me go.
~I want to go back to that night.
I want you to forget everything I’ve ever said to you. It wasn’t me, the real me. I didn’t know how to act towards you. You are so secretive, and it pulled me closer. I wanted to know you. I wanted you to trust me with the things that are hurting you. I’m sorry if I freaked you out. I have just never felt such a mutual feeling upon meeting someone before. I didn’t know how to handle it.
It’s so silly for me to want all of this.
Maybe I met you so this could be a lesson to myself. So I could not be afraid to be myself ever again.
~i’m not sure exactly what that means. it’s scary. i don’t even really know you well enough to say those words… but i love every single bit of the you i know so far,you are sweet, and kind, and beautiful. your smile makes my heart skip a beat. i could swim in the blue of your beautiful eyes. they make me melt. they make me suddenly become so many things I am normally not… uncertain. awkward. weird. afraid. vulnerable. unable to speak.
i look at you and see the snapshots of imaginary moments of us together. laughing. holding hands. holding each other. singing. dancing. tangled up sweetly, quietly, closely. so very happy.
there are so many reasons that I can’t tell you all of this: i am terrible at relationships and i’ve left the broken wreckage of so many of them behind me. i couldn’t stand to ever hurt you. i am also afraid that you could hurt me. i am not sure if you even remotely feel anything like what i feel for you. there is so much to risk. so many problems could happen because we also work together.
neither of us are the kind of people that take the first step. neither of us would put ourselves out there. we are reserved. even shy sometimes. proper. guarded.
so i don’t know if there will ever be anything more than this… i can dream about it, and hope that some incredibly lucky moment will change things, but that moment might never come.
but i want you to know that i think you are amazing. even if after you read this you wonder forever who wrote it… know that somebody’s heart will race every time they see you. somebody’s breath will catch when you smile. even when you are tired, or when you are having a bad day, somebody you know thinks that you are just right and wishes we lived in a world where we could be something so much more
~As I lay awake in my dusty room this morning, Before the sunrise, before my Dad wakes up to make coffee for my mom at 6, before Riley decides to take his morning patrol of the property, all i can think about is you. Not even our sex. Just wishing you were by my side to hold my arm like you do. I can feel the warmth of your body against mine and your steady breath on my neck. I really think that the reason God gave me such terrible health is because he had to give me something to worry about. With a girlfriend as caring and loving as you, He’ll have to try a little harder. Can’t wait to see you tonight. I love you.
~i wish i could make things less complicated between us. i wish i could tell you that i’ve been waiting for you for over a year for you and now i that finally found someone else, being with him makes me feel more confident around you and also kind of angry. it makes me want to yell at you and pummel your chest and tell you that i’ve been waiting, always fucking waiting, always hoping you would see that i have been silently loving you this whole time. it makes me want to just smile and tell you that now that now that i have someone, i can finally just be upfront with you: i love you romantically and non-romantically, and i will probably still love you romantically for at least a little bit longer.
i told you once that i worry that if i don’t end up with an ex, i will always think of him, but i also worry that i won’t ever be able to let go of you either. echoes of you reverberate everywhere. you somehow got built into the fiber of my life in this city, and it’s both comforting and awful. i can’t ever escape you; because you have been my friend, my boss, my pseudo-therapist, the man i was dating, my source of advice, and so much more, i can’t bring myself to imagine an existence without you. i want to bring you closer and push you away, and both hurt unimaginably.
now that i have someone else, i thought it would be freeing for me to tell you how i’ve always felt. but when i tried, i found all the old fears again. i don’t know if you feel the same way, or what you will think of me after you find out the unadulterated truth. i think that you know that i have some feelings for you, but if you find out all of them, i am afraid of what you will think. maybe i’m afraid to know for certain that you don’t love me back.
whatever the fears, whatever the history, and whatever the future, i want to write you a love letter. i want to tell you that i can still feel the sensation of wrapping my arms around you from behind. i can still remember what it was like to wrap my arms around your bicep and cling to you as we watched a concert or walked down the street. i can still taste just a little bit of your kisses. maybe someday i will forget the crinkle of your eyes, your throaty laugh, the red-blondness of your hair, and the way you wear your shirts. but even if i forget, i will always remember how my life here felt molded around you. i don’t want to let go.I love you for reasons still entirely unknown to me…
I loved the way your whispers always found my ear. The way you spoke with your hands even when they were mixed up in mine. The way you could explode originality onto a sheet of paper. The times you danced like we were living in another age. The way my deepest fears and wonders could slip so easily into you. The way you always left me needing more.
I miss you more than the one I should be missing. I long for your tingles when I should be enjoying the touch of another. My mind keeps begging my heart to forget you; my heart longs to sever the ties that bind me to the reasons I should let you go. If I could really have one thing in this world, it would be your love. It would be all I’d ever need.
Don’t ask how I know. Sometimes you just have to trust your heart.
I’m gonna be in love with you. Forever.
~my first night here i met no one i could converse with. no one i admired. no one who could make me want to stay here. i was planning my transfer sitting alone smoking cigarettes. then you came along. we talked. we laughed. and i, i fell in love. you entranced me, and still do. i still have a twinkle in my eye whenever i get the pleasure of talking about you, which, i may add, is often. you make me feel alive and that i can take on every towering mountain in the distance with ease. i love you for more than all the stars in the sky. as i told you today, i love you more than the ground; it’s because with you, i walk on air.
~There is so much I want to say to you. So much that I can’t even think straight to put it into words. I always loved you from the moment I first saw you. You told me I had the biggest influence on your life of anyone you’d ever met. You told me you loved me so much and you wanted to get married. But you told me you were stupid for still being with me. Even though we weren’t even together.
You have hurt me more than anyone else in this world ever has or probably ever will. I told you over and over all I wanted was to be with you and for you to just want to be with me. Did you ever actually want to be with just me? Or was it only when I started to find someone else? I’ve been in love with you for the past 2 years and you supposedly felt the same. But why is it so easy for you to be done with me? Why didn’t you ever want to make things right? What is wrong with you?
How can one person be capable of causing so much pain and hurt but get so much love in return? All I ever wanted was you. Just you. Every horrible, awful thing you did to me meant nothing when we were together because all I felt then was love. Love knows no wrong. But you couldn’t do it anymore. And as badly as I wish every day that you will call me or talk to me, please don’t. I never want to see you ever again. With each day that goes by it’s easier for me to feel nothing and each day I PRAY that I feel nothing, and that I fall out of this ridiculous love that I’m in.
But maybe I’m not meant to. Maybe this is the time for us to grow ourselves before we can grow together. Maybe you were never ready to be in a relationship with me in the first place. Maybe I’m crazy.
For the past two years, I have found it odd the things I have done for you; things that I would have undoubtedly complained about normally suddenly became effortless, I wanted to do these things because I knew they would make you happy. All of the sudden my happiness seemed to largely depend on yours, my sadness likewise. I have noticed myself enjoying things because you enjoy them, wanting to tag along for your ridiculous adventures even though I’ve had far more important things to do. I’ve seen myself drop what I’m doing when you tell me you need me, and I’ve learned to love dogs! I have found a level of comfort with you that I never knew existed; I realized in instances that I can be completely self-less. All of these things were new to me, and I didn’t know why they were happening. This new level of tolerance that I have reached in realization that there are exceptions to the rules when you love someone. All of the sudden songs that I’ve known for years have a whole new meaning. I feel myself missing you only moments after you leave, I can’t even picture a tomorrow without you in it. Days when I tell myself we must go our separate ways are quickly replaced by nights tangled in your arms. You have changed my life; you’ve taught me what it means to love someone unconditionally, no matter what no matter when, you have revealed to me my own ability to give my heart away on accident with out any expectations. You have set the bar for what I will always look for in someone to love. I will not blame you for breaking my heart because without you I may never have known how it felt to have a full heart.
I’ll always believe in you. Love u….
~Its been five years. Five years since I first met you. Five years since we “dated” for those three weeks. In those five years, you’ve always been in the back of my head.
I remember three years ago when we used to talk for hours every night. I remember knowing then. I remember knowing how much I still felt, after two years without you. I guess in those three weeks five years ago I fell for you. Hard.
And now here we are. Together. Again. This time I hope its for real. Because after spending all these years dreaming of you, and missing you, I don’t know if I could handle losing you.
And although there’s about 400 miles separating us right now, I have more faith in us then I’ve ever had in any relationship I’ve been in.
In twenty-one days I get to see you. I can’t stop counting and thinking just how much I miss you. It hasn’t even been a week since I saw you last.
I know now why every relationship I’ve ever been in, I’ve wrecked in some way. I’ve been pining for you for so long. And I hope like hell I don’t find a way to ruin this, because I feel as if this is the most real thing I’ve ever experienced.
And although I can’t say it to you, I fucking love you. I’ve loved you since I was a kid. I’ve probably loved you all this time. And even though I can’t say it to you yet, out of fear its way too soon, I know I do.
There’s not much that anyone can add to the massive outpouring of grief and admiration for Nelson Mandela. His status as the greatest secular saint of our era becomes clearer as everyone from the Pope to those who campaigned to have Madiba hanged in the 1980s come out to talk of his great life and his great legacy.
The peaceful transition to democracy, the quelling of tribal tensions and the re-incorporation of South Africa into the world economy were all massive achievements that should not be underestimated. But the failure to secure economic freedom and democracy for South Africans remains Mandela’s greatest oversight.
There has been plenty of comment on the attempts to de-politicise Mandela, to brush over his past as a soldier, freedom fighter and friend of Fidel Castro. It’s important that we resist this form of de-politicisation of the greatest figure of our age.
But there is something we must understand about the life and politics of Nelson Mandela. While he personified the struggle against apartheid, this struggle was much, much more than that of one man.
Some will try to claim that through one man’s personal sacrifice, personal magnetism and great ability to forgive those who wronged him apartheid was brought crashing. This is a dangerous story and one Mandela himself rejected.
Not only was the ANC more than one man, it was itself part of a wider liberation movement (the United Democratic Front), which brought together all the significant elements opposed to apartheid. But much more importantly it was a mass movement that toppled apartheid. The UDF comprised over 400 groups from churches, youth movement, political parties and workers’ organisations committed to ending apartheid.
From the Soweto uprising in 1976 that made Steve Biko famous to the mass action campaigns of the 1980s, it was mass civil action that drove the apartheid regime to the negotiating table. This movement, comprising huge numbers of ordinary people was the movement that Mandela came to personify.
But as time has passed, and the economic settlement accepted by Mandela’s Finance Minster and successor as President, Thabo Mbeki has failed to deliver economic freedom, the legacy of the mass movement is barely remembered. And the lessons of its failure are ones we should learn.
The mass movement worked because it had both massive popular support, with the ability to put tens of thousands on the street and a political expression through the ANC. When buttressed to the tripartite alliance of the Congress of South African Trade Unions (COSATU), South African Communist Party and ANC the liberation movement was lively and diverse.
The failure of the mass movement was to come after the first democratic elections, where having achieved political freedom, too much trust was placed in the formal structures of COSATU and the ANC. This allowed too much power to rest with government. What was needed was for the popular front and mass movement to continue the struggle for economic freedom.
While Mandela and Mbeki were being talked into continuing elite control of the economy, the need for a popular movement was as important as ever. As South Africa continues to struggle with the challenge of creating an economy for all, the failures of the government under Mandela become clearer.
Of course, this comment is most easily made with hindsight. At the time when the ANC took power, the left was in disarray following the collapse of the Soviet Union, and the case for socialising the economy was at its weakest in the twentieth century. To understand why the Mandela government failed to democratise the economy is, though, not to condone it.
One of the quite correct criticisms of the drive to depoliticise Nelson Mandela is that it underestimates the role of others in the struggle. Oliver Tambo, who led the ANC in exile, Walter Sisulu, who had recruited Mandela to the ANC and Chris Hani, who was second only to Mandela in popularity, having been commander of the ANC’s armed wing Umkhonto we Sizwe in exile.
Chris Hani and Nelson Mandela
Had Chris Hani not been murdered on the orders of a Conservative MP in 1993, we may have had a continuing mass movement that could demand universal, free health, land ownership and full economic democracy. Hani said before his death:
“The perks of a new government are not really appealing to me. Everybody, of course, would like to have a good job, a good salary, and that sort of thing. But for me, that is not the be-all of a struggle. What is important is the continuation of the struggle – and we must accept that the struggle is always continuing – under different conditions, whether within parliament or outside parliament, we shall begin to tackle the real problems of the country. And the real problems of the country are not whether one is in cabinet, or a key minister, but what we do for social upliftment of the working masses of our people.”